My 3 issues at 25

Turning 25 was one of the strangest feelings for me. It was a birthday I wasn’t looking forward to (strange for me considering I usually love my birthday). It’s an age where you feel like, in fact, you are MADE feel like you should have your life figured out. I constantly have people saying to me: “when are you going to move out and live on your own?”.. “when are you going to find a man and settle down?” .. “when are you having kids?” .. Why are we made feel like we have a timeline for how we are supposed to live our lives!? Why do people just presume I WANT to do those things? And .. WHAT HAS IT ACTUALLY GOT TO DO WITH ANYONE ELSE?!

People are so invested in other people’s lives and they really don’t realise affect it can have on people.

My parents married young. They were 18 and 19. I was born 6 months later. 4 years after that, my sister was born. Another 2 years passed, my brother was born. By 25 (my current age) they were married for 6 years, bought a house and had 3 kids. It was in the 90’s though. Older people nowadays don’t seem to realise how different life is now compared to then. You need at least 10% deposit for a mortgage.. who actually just has that kind of money? Mortgage payments are expensive but not many jobs are paying the kind of money you need to be able to afford those payments. It seemed to be easier back then. I wish they would realise that I WOULD have my own home if I COULD. Do they really think I want to be living at home at 25 years old? Or are they just being ignorant to everything going on in the world around them? It makes me sit and question what I’m doing wrong in my life.

Moving onto marriage/relationships. I haven’t had a serious relationship since I was a teenager. It just hasn’t happened for me and it’s never been the right time in my life for it. Sure, I’d love to meet someone one day but why do I feel this constant pressure that I have some sort of time limit to meet someone? I think one of the reasons is that so many people around me, the same age.. and younger, are getting married, settling down etc etc. I’m always comparing my life to other people’s. But I have realised that I need to STOP! We all do. Everyone does things at different paces and just because it’s not happening for me just now, doesn’t mean it won’t happen in the future. My sister met her boyfriend when she was 15. They are 21 and 22 now. I look at them and sometimes I do wish I had what they had. Sometimes I’m even a bit jealous because I got it into my head that I would never find that happiness. I am now realising I will find it one day and there is no rush. They met when they were young and they are happy. My other friend met her boyfriend when she was in her 30s, him in his 40s and they are now in their 40s and 50s and also extremely happy! There is plenty of time for us all to find love. There is no right age to find someone. So let’s stop putting so much pressure on ourselves and let it happen naturally.

Now… children. This is a tough topic for me. I have always been around kids, growing up. I have lots of cousins and young family members and I love being around them. But being a mum is never something I have been interested in. I like to be able to hand the child back to its parents and go have a peaceful nights sleep, LOL. Sometimes I feel like women are just expected to want children. When I tell people I don’t want kids, they look at me as if I’m crazy. They hit out with comments like “but you need to give your parents a grandchild” or “you will change your mind when you meet the right person and the time is right”. A lot of people don’t seem to understand that, for me, it has absolutely nothing to do with “meeting the right person” or the “time being right”. It’s how I feel and it’s MY decision. It’s ME who doesn’t want to carry a child. I suffer from anxiety.. and thinking about things that could potentially go wrong when having a child makes me panic. I just don’t ever want to put myself through it. But why should I be made feel like I am heartless or any less of a woman for not wanting children? I have had close friends and family suffer miscarriages and stillborns. I know myself and I know that I couldn’t recover from something like that. And then you have the issue that you are completely responsible for how another human being turns out. What if they are evil? A bully? A murderer? You just don’t know. And I shouldn’t be made feel bad for not wanting that in my life. I do worry though. I worry that I will meet someone, fall in love, be together for years and then they tell me they want kids and I don’t. It definitely affects my relationships and affects me meeting people. It’s always a worry.

So, I think I have covered my 3 issues that I have had when turning 25. I’m sure I’m not the only one with these feelings.

I think we all just need to take a breath, relax and realise that everything happens for a reason. Stop comparing ourselves to other people.. because their lives may not be what they seem to be. And whatever will be, will be.

What’s for you, won’t go by you.

– R x

An update

Its been 2 weeks since my heartfelt post & It’s been just over a month since my best mate broke my heart. At the moment, it doesn’t feel like I’m ever going to feel better. I hope i do eventually because I’m really struggling. I deleted my social media so that I don’t see him post with his new girlfriend but I still can’t get him out of my head. I’ve logged back into most of my pages now, because I need to just deal with it instead of running from it.

I miss him so much. I think the thing that’s hurting me more than anything is that he promised me if he ever met someone, he would tell me and would be honest with me. He’s still never told me about her. I had to find out through social media and him just ignoring me. He hurt me more than he will ever know. He’s now read my last post and he didn’t even care. My 1900 word love letter… he didn’t care.

I’m trying to go out and date, meet new people etc but with the current circumstances (Covid) it’s really difficult. I know deep down that this is the right thing and that it probably wouldn’t work with us but it’s the fact that he just lied to me. He was always working, out with his friends, playing football or watching football and was always too busy for me but somehow, he now has loads of time and spends it all with her. She doesn’t even live where we do, and he still makes more of an effort to see her than he did with me in our 12 years of friendship. Which, I suppose, makes me realise I really didn’t mean anything to him and he did only want one thing from me (when it suited him).

I constantly sit and ask myself “why was I never enough for him”. I just wonder what she can give him that I can’t. She must be pretty special. Why would he not make time for me? What’s wrong with me? As time goes on, I’m starting to – very slowly – realise that I am good enough .. for someone else. It hurts SO much that we now aren’t even friends. I’ve lost one of my longest friends but if we are meant to be friends .. we will find our way back to each other. I always said I would rather have him as my friend instead of not at all.. if I couldn’t be with him, I still wanted him in my life but he doesn’t feel the same so I have to let him go.

I’ve told him I’ll always love him. He’s read how I feel & it’s made no difference to him at all. He doesn’t care about me in the slightest and I think that’s what hurts the most.. I always thought he did care.

I’ll be ok in the end, I know it. It’s just going to take time. With the help of my friends.. I’ll get there.

A letter to one of my best friends

Growing up, I never really thought a lot about what love actually felt like. I had lots of friends, who I loved.. boyfriends throughout the years, who I loved. But I have only ever been IN LOVE once. I have been in love for around 12 years. At times I didn’t realise that’s what it was, in fact, up until recently, I only just accepted and realised that it was love I was feeling.

I don’t remember the exact day we met, but we would have been about 12/13 years old.. in first or second year of high school. I remember the “mullet” hairstyle was in style. He had that awful hairstyle (which, back then, I thought was so cool). He had thin glasses. There was a word he couldn’t say properly..and I always found it hilarious.. I think it might have been “curry”. *if he ever reads this, he definitely wouldn’t believe that I remember these things*. He just made me laugh so much and could always put a smile on my face. He was my best friend.

Growing up, I had a few different boyfriends…not at the same time of course! But I dated a few boys throughout school and my teens. A few of them were mutual friends of ours, so when I hung out with them, he would usually be there too. I remember he asked me a couple of times if I would “go out with him”(be his girlfriend) I always said no. It was a weird thought to me.. he was my best friend. My memory is not great, so I can’t actually remember but other people have told me that we did kiss once but that’s as far as it ever went. When I was 15, I got into my first serious relationship. The boy was in a different friendship group.. I remember worrying that it would affect my friendship with my best friend but it did the opposite. The boy I was with hated that I stayed such good friends with him. It would annoy him that we texted or hung out. He would always end up being in a mood and get jealous. We broke up. There was multiple reasons for our break up but I do believe my friendship with this guy was one of them.

We had a normal best friend relationship even though we were the opposite sex (everyone always presumed there was “something going on” with us) but there never was. We would hang out with our mutual friends, go for walks, go to school parties. I would go to his house and just sit whilst he played his xbox/PlayStation. (Don’t know which one it was) I just liked his company. I always felt at ease and relaxed with him.

He left school when he was 15 (I think!? — back to the bad memory thing!) He went into an apprenticeship. I remember feeling really sad and a bit lost when he left school but I had a few different groups of people friends so I was always ok. Once he left, we sort of drifted apart after a while. He was always in the back of my mind but things like exams and extra curricular activities always got in the way of me keeping up our friendship. We always kind of spoke on and off but I think we properly got back in touch again when we were about 19 years old. Things had changed so much.. we were adults. We had jobs. He was just finishing his apprenticeship. I had been in a job for 2 years. But somehow, when we spoke.. it felt like we were teenagers again. Like nothing had changed.

Now it gets complicated… I really don’t know how it happened but we were 20 years old. We had been in contact again for a little over a year and we started speaking differently to each other.. like.. flirting. I was finding myself getting butterflies when he text me. Somehow, we ended up deciding to try a “friends with benefits” relationship. I shouldn’t have agreed to it because I knew I had feelings for him but I think I got it into my head that he still had feelings for me and in the end we would end up together. We flirted for months.. a lot of the time we had been drinking, so to begin with, I wasn’t sure if it was just the alcohol.. but I actually really fancied him. I didn’t think I did before but looking back… I’ve always liked him as more than a friend and just never wanted to admit it. We hadn’t seen each other in person (except from passing in shops or the streets etc) for years. Then it happened. I had been drinking with some friends, and we were texting.. he picked me up from my friends house and we went for a drive. I was so nervous to see him but as soon as I did.. I felt at ease. I had my best friend back. I had obviously had a couple of drinks so the night isn’t exactly as clear as I would like it to be but I remember he kissed me.. he properly kissed me and my head was spinning. All of the feelings I had ignored for years just came flooding out. We saw each other again a few times after that night. Then one night he told me his parents were out and asked if I wanted to come to his house. I knew if I did, we would probably end up having sex (we hadn’t yet). I went. We did. & then my problems begin.

I didn’t tell him because I was embarrassed but he was my first time (he knows this now). I’m glad he was because we cared about each other but your first will always be special to you and that’s my problem. 4 and a half years later… we were still in a friends with benefits friendship. 

January 2020.. he started acting differently. He stopped messaging me back. He stopped flirting. He was distant. I knew something wasn’t right. He got drunk one night and told me he had to end it because he had met someone else and liked her. I was completely gutted. I didn’t eat properly for weeks, I worked out constantly to keep myself busy, I was out drinking all the time (which was out of character for me). I lost him again. I poured my heart out to him. I told him I loved him. He didn’t feel the same . A few weeks later, he messaged me and we got chatting again. He was, apparently, not seeing the girl anymore. Me, stupidly, pretended like it never happened and was just happy to have him back again. We continued sleeping together and talking, which I was happy with.

September 2020.. he started acting differently again. The same pattern. I knew right away that he had met someone again. Whether it’s the same girl or not.. I don’t know but I just had a gut feeling again. So I messaged him and told him how I felt (again!) and said that I had a feeling he was seeing someone again so I’ll leave him alone etc. He didn’t even reply to me. I felt ill for days. I had lost him once again. A few days later…. he posts pictures and videos with a girl. I saw them and was completely heartbroken. I was by myself, at home. I sat on my bathroom floor, crying my eyes out. I couldn’t breathe properly. I had a panic attack. This is what heartbreak truly felt like. I had never felt pain like it. I felt so worthless. I kept on asking myself “why does he not want me”.. “why am I never good enough for him”. I got to the point where I was so low, I thought “what is the point in me being here anymore if he doesn’t want me!?” I felt like I needed him. I couldn’t live without him. I couldn’t believe that I could love someone so much, that I genuinely thought there was no point in me anymore, if he didn’t want me.

So we are now in October 2020. 1 month later.. I am still really struggling at times. We are on speaking terms but not like we used to be..and I don’t think we ever will be again. I go to the gym almost every day now, eat healthy and doing things for myself for a change, to try and keep myself as busy as possible. It hurts so much to see him posting pictures and videos with her on social media.. doing the things I always wanted to do with him..but it’s his life and he’s happy with her. I am trying to tell myself everything happens for a reason. If we were meant to be together, we would be. 

This is a messsge to him … if he ever reads this. I want you to know that to me, you are the funniest, most driven and positive person I have ever met. You have impacted my life like you wouldn’t even understand and you have been there for me during some of the hardest times. I know you better than you think and the only thing I ever wanted from you was a chance to make you happy. But you didn’t give me that chance. I wanted to do simple things with you.. things like going for drinks, for meals, to the cinema, long walks, days out, nights away. Instead you kept me a secret. I’m sure your girlfriend will be everything you have been looking for. I would say I hope you are happy with her but I would be lying because I wish it was me. You always told me you didn’t want a girlfriend or that a girlfriend wouldn’t fit in with your friendship group etc.. but you meant me. You meant I wouldn’t fit in and I hate that you didn’t give me the opportunity to be your girlfriend and have a life together.

I want to say thank you for being my first time. Thank you for being my friend for 12 years. Thank you for making me feel confident about myself for 4 years. & finally.. thank you for being the person (even though you didn’t know it) who made me realise what love is. You have no idea how much you meant to me. I will always love you even if you don’t love me back.

I know it’s love I’m feeling because of things like — the fact that I don’t even want kids, but if we were together, and having a kid would make you happy.. I would have had a family with you. And that when I see you post things with another girl, I get a pain in my chest and I feel sick. (And usually start to cry). Just constantly wishing it was me you wanted.

My friends don’t get why I have feelings for you, especially when the whole situation has made me feel so low at times but you have always inspired me to be the best version of myself, to push myself and do what makes me happy. I am going to try and do this moving forward. I hope the pain I’m feeling goes away and over time, I find someone who does want me. My biggest regret in life is letting you go in the first place. I should never have said no to you all those years ago.

Getting back to the gym

So as most of you will know, I started my fitness journey exactly a year ago today when I started group PT & started taking it more seriously. Over the past year, I have been pretty consistent with my training… a bit up and down with my eating habits but overall doing ok. I have been training in a small gym, usually in separate rooms doing classes and with the same small group of people so I’m not used to the big, busy gyms anymore. However, I have realised my body is getting used to the same routine so I NEED to get back to the gym and do more if I want to see a difference.. my anxiety is through the roof just now, thinking about walking into the big gym tonight. It’s probably mainly all in my head but I think everyone’s looking at me and judging me. I am going to do it. I know I have to or I won’t move forward. I will probably have to go by myself too, making it even harder, but I WILL do it.  
To top it all off… This week I hurt my back and have really been struggling to train the same way as I am used to. At PT last night, I had to put one of the weights down by 15kgs. I instantly felt like a failure and like I was going to burst into tears in the middle of the room. I very nearly walked out of the room and was so ready to give up.  I felt like I was going backwards instead of forwards. It’s so rubbish but I kept going and now I am taking my PT’s advice and taking it easy.. if I don’t, it’ll just get worse and I will struggle even more. I never want to go back to the start again. I have come so far.   I just really hope I can push through, rest, heal and get back to myself. Training hard, working hard and being positive and focused. 
Tonight is the first step .. going back to the gym on my own. 
-R